Welcome back to Mix Tape Monday, the blog series that doesn’t care that no one owns a boombox anymore. Last week, while setting my radio alarm, I heard Billy Joel’s “Only The Good Die Young.” And it suddenly occurred to me EXACTLY how much of a dick Billy Joel was being to this girl. Virginia has clearly said no to the sex, (which, given that it’s Billy Joel, is probably a good plan) and instead of being like “well, okay, I respect your decision to do what you feel is right with your body,” he proceeds to insult her by shaming her faith. “Don’t let me wait/you Catholic girls start much too late/sooner or later it comes down to fate/I might as well be the one.”
Translation: Your needs and values are meaningless because I want sex, and eventually you’re going to give it up to someone, so you might as well fuck me. There’s no mention of love, or even that they’re dating. He wants to bone her, she said no, and he’s negging on her. This is not a romantic song, and Billy Joel has once again shown that he is a horndog douche.
I tweeted this, and my friend Emily replied that a boy had actually put this on a mix for her, despite her not even being Catholic. He used a mix tape for evil! That’s just wrong.
So I ask…what was the worst song anyone has ever put on a mix for you? Bad in sound or intention or both?
I’ve got a few. My ex, Aaron, put Third Eye Blind’s “Jumper” on the one and only mix he ever made me, his logic being “well, you’re like, sad all the time.” Aww, how sweet…? Aaron was good at many things, like video games and being emotionally witholding, but mix tapes were not his strength.
Another guy, Raphael, who was the last person to make me an actual tape, put “Rent” from the musical Rent as the opening number. (I think “What You Own” was on there as well). He was very deep, you see, and he showed this by stalking me, threatening suicide on more than one 4 a.m. phone call and telling everyone that not only had we dated (we did not), but he dumped me because I was too needy. He later became a professional poker player, although his last game appears to have been played in 2010. I think this was the start of my deep, seething hatred for Rent, although I’ll confess I still have a weird, late-90s art-girl soft-spot for “What You Own.” I’m pretty sure I taped over his mix, which is a a fantastic fuck you on it’s own, with the Goo Goo Dolls Dizzy Up The Girl, adding insult to injury.
The last one is actually a great song on one of the best mixes anyone has ever made me, Sonata Arctica’s “Shamandalie” from She Doesn’t Think My Tractor’s Sexy Anymore, the second volume in Jason’s Down With Love trilogy. It’s a phenomenal song that really got me into the band, but it is ultimately a break-up song, and coming at the end of a mix that also included Cracker’s “I Want Everything,” and “All For Love” by Sting, Bryan Adams and Rod Stewart, seemed a touch out of place. Years later, when we actually did break up, I looked back on this song as though it had predicted our end and used fate as a justification for not contacting him.
But when we finally did get back in touch and talking about the secret language of mixes, I asked him about it. And he told me that he couldn’t remember why he picked that song, but in retrospect, it was probably not the place for it, and we had a good laugh. Things are fun when they’re fun.